i love being gay so much

I love being gay so much, that I now get insulted when someone calls me straight. Throughout my entire childhood, I was consistently fed the message that being gay looked a certain way. After I came out in my twenties, people in my life would always say to me, “we always knew you were gay Zach.” When I asked how they could possibly know something about myself that took my years to uncover, they would point to my more feminine characteristics. I liked painting my nails, hanging out with girls, wearing dresses and skirts, and played dress up as opposed to throwing a baseball. The problem with this lies in the way people equate gender expression with sexuality (but this is a problem for another blog). Because of this, I developed an overgeneralized schema about being gay, that I had to be ‘girly’ in order to be considered gay. My queer identity was built off this idea and I leaned far away from anything considered more masculine because I wasn’t aware that I was allowed to play with this side of myself. But that all changed when I started studying to become a sex therapist. I unlearned everything I was taught by society, by my peers, and by my observations of the world about what it means to be gay. Because the truth is, there is no way to be gay. We are just gay, and we are however we decide to be. 

Through this process of unlearning, I was able to find parts of myself I didn’t even know were there, because I no longer fit myself into boxes that society wanted me to be in. I started blending the masculine with the feminine, and the response was: ‘Wow, Zach, you look so straight here.’ Let me remind you: the picture in which I looked ‘so straight’ was one where I was shirtless and wearing a backwards hat. At first, I took this ‘compliment’ exactly as it was intended: as a compliment. But then I remembered I wasn’t straight and I don’t want to be. Gay men are still men. And like straight men, we can be shirtless when we workout and sometimes we wear our hats backwards. What I initially took as a compliment almost immediately became an insult because I’m not straight and I don’t want to be straight. A part of me questions if these women who swiped up on my story to say this to me felt compelled to do so because they found me attractive. Was it easier for them to say that I looked so straight because they were attracted to me in this post? Because I can’t quite pinpoint the reason they wanted to tell me that. The reason comments like this bother me is because it feeds into the heteronormative narrative. It feeds into the narrative that gay men still strive to be straight. That being straight is the way to be, and it’s something that everyone wants to be. But I don’t want to be straight. 

It took me nearly twenty-one years to accept that I am gay, and I am more than at peace with being gay. I am so in love with being gay that these compliments of me looking like a straight men are actually insulting. I’m still a guy, even though I love making out with other guys. I’m still a guy even though I paint my nails. And I’m still a gay guy even though I wear a backwards hat. 

BTW this is the photo in reference. Not sure what “straight” even looks like, but I definitely see a faggot here